dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
