I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
