he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
