so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
