I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
