do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
