I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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