Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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