I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
