some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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