the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
