This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
