Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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