so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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