I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
