omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
