I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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