Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
