your thong is hanging out like whoa
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
