I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
