so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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