well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
