It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
