mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
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Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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