is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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