My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You're like the curious george of whores
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
