my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
