he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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