I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
