I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
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I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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