On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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