I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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