how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
