"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
