if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Randomize
