watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
