Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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