I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
