remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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