omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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