Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.