that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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