Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Randomize
