Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
