Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
