Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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