I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
