It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
