Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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