Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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