did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
