Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
