Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
