No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
