smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
