My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
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She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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