I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
