there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
