I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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