Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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